Holy Moly

Well, Monday definitely made its presence known today on the bus.  I honestly am not sure if I am even going to be able to do this story justice.

As a warning, this blog is Rated-R

So I get on the bus and it seems pretty harmless (I didnt know, but this was the calm before the storm).  At the first stop, a bunch of people get on the bus, including a mother and her 4 year old child and then the bus driver started putting the wheel chair lift down.  Again, nothing out of the norm.

I am sitting pretty close to the front and I can see the guy that is attempting to get on the wheelchair lift.  Let me see if I can describe him accurately:

-bandages around both feet that are not secured and are flopping around
-dirty clothes
-hasnt seen a shower since Vanilla Ice had a hit song
-could smell the booze and the cigarettes from 8' away

So the guy gets on the ramp and cannot seem to roll himself forward.  I am not sure what is so tricky about this...you seem to just move the wheels and it rolls forward, but hey, what do I know.  At this point, the guy's pee bag falls onto the ground.  Let me repeat that.  The medical bag that contained his urine, fell onto the floor.  At this point, I am thinking this guy is right up there with Boob Rat.  The poor bus driver, had to reach over and pull him onto the bus.  He starts rolling down the aisle (he can roll now, but not a moment ago...wtf?) and his gnarly bandaged feet are waiving everywhere...beyond disgusting.  He then starts mumbling typical Seattle crazy rantings, "Fucking Communists....such bullshit....I'll show them...fucking-a".  As he is rolling past me, I almost get knocked over with the smell of booze...I mean, he smells like an entire frat house after rush week.  At this point, I would like to remind you that there is a 4 year old sitting within earshot of this guy...I am sure he is scarred for life.

Behind Pee Guy, comes another very nice woman with a walker (she obviously carries it onto the bus without even using it, but that is pretty standard now a days and that issue has been addressed in previous blogs).  She sits down and says hi to Pee Guy and reminds him that she is so-and-so's wife, Marlene.  This gal is of African American decent and Pee Guy looks up and says, "oh yeah, Marlene...I dont mind having me a black woman."  Nice moves Pee Guy.  She is being polite and humoring him and then he says, "Before I looked up, I thought you were Marlene with the nice body, but I guess not"  Wow,  Pee Guy will now be referred to as Casanova.  He continues swearing and then looks at Not-Hot Marlene and says, "Marlene, I would like 22, 24, 26, and 28 black hookers to service me"  Whats with the numbers Casanova?!  Are you looking at a Chinese menu to order your hookers?  I shit you not this is actually happening on the bus.  Marlene then gets pissed, rightfully so, and starts yelling at him for asking her to solicit prostitution and then threatens him that he husband is going to kick his ass.  Yeah, NH Marlene...I am sure he will learn his lesson then...he is so wasted he probably wouldnt notice if he got pushed into he Sound.  She then throws him under the bus (no pun intended) and says that she knows he really can walk and calls his wheelchair bullshit.  Now NH Marlene, those in glass houses shouldnt throw stones...pretty sure that your walker is just for show.   Dear Lord, get me off this bus.  

Thank god Casanova got off at the next stop (he realized right after he got on that he was on the wrong bus...sure).  I look around and the entire bus is saying things like, "I have seen everything now".  I respond with, "I've seen worse."  The girl next to me looks absolutely horrified and I say out loud, "I hate the bus".  She looked relieved and wondered if it was always this bad as she just moved from Bellingham where the only people who took the bus were students.  I then proceeded to tell her that it is usually pretty bad and that I started a blog about my bus adventures.  She asked for the blog address and if she is reading, Hey Caitlin!!

Say what?

I get on the bus today and am not shocked to see that the bus is nearly empty.  It snowed today so, being the NW, everyone freaked out and didnt come to work.  I was a little worried that I would have nothing to blog about.  Every time I am about to lose faith in the craziness of the bus, Seattle always seems to reach in its pocket and send me some of its finest citizens.

So a 'gentleman' gets on the bus and sits right next to the driver.  There is one of these on almost every bus...someone who thinks they are BFF with the bus driver.  He starts talking to the driver about routes and  other crap.  Yeah buddy, that's what we want to do, distract the guy operating the very large vehicle...good call.  At the same driver the Fred Friendly hops, another couple walk forward from the back with a small child.  They are not the smallest couple and as the guy sits down, the bench actually moves (that is not judgment, that is fact).  They ask if the bus stops at Lenora St.  Fred Friendly chimes in, obviously, to say that it stops all over 3rd Ave...interesting way to put it Fred, but that is true.  So the couple sit down and start having a conversation.  Now, I am 99.9% sure they were speaking English, but I have no idea what they are talking about!  I can make out the following words:

home-girl
man
receipt
man
house
respectful

I was fascinated by this as they were also, from what I can tell, turning complete sentences into a single word!  I was mesmerized by the talent of this and at the same time, wondering who could understand this?!  I immediately got my answer.  Fred Friendly chimed in with a, "oh no she didnt!"  Fred meet the Non-Sensical twins.  Then all 3 of them started talking and, ironically, I could understand Fred so I gathered that a girl who was spoken for was going over to a house that had guys there that weren't her significant other.  Obviously, it was not said in such a fashion.  The duo and their child get off and we are left with the rantings of Fred.

I feel so bad for the bus driver.  Fred is chatting his ear off complaining about another bus driver who kicked him off the bus cause he had no money to pay the fare.  The nerve of that bus driver!!!  Then asks the driver his name and says that he finds it respectful to call the bus drivers by name since they take him from place to place.  A respectful crazy...that's a new twist.  Fred then lays into a blond joke:

So a blond finds out she is pregnant...first thing she asks is, "is it mine?"

Short but sweet

So my bus was not very exciting today.  I am sure it is due to everyone hearing the word snow and freaking out and leaving work early....welcome to the NW.  However, I did have this one gem:

Some things to note about my bus friend:

• Please note the sandals.  Stylish? Debatable  Practical? Not in the least.  Did I mention it was snowing?  At least he is not wearing socks
• Check out what he is using to rock out to tunes.  It is a friggin' tape player!!!  I am not kidding you, I about died!  Its a fossil!!!  Where does he pick up his tapes?  I can only hope someone has made him a rockin' mix-tape.  What was even more interesting is that he is using iPod headphones with it.  So close...so, so close there buddy
• He was listening to Levon by Elton John.  How do I know this you ask?  Well, he was listening to it so loud out of his headphones, I was literally singing along.  I mean, I am pretty sure that my father could have even heard this track (love you Daddy!!).  Really dude?!  You are on the bus and I am sure you have enough problems to worry about, pretty sure we dont need to add on hearing loss.  I love Sir Elton John so I will not be knocking his choice of tunes, but not everyone on the bus might share my exceptional taste in music.

I am really close to getting caught taking these pictures...

Happy Holidays

Well, I am back and luckily I am back with a vengeance.  I know I didnt blog last week so I am going to make it up to you all by including a photo!  I apologize for my absence and promise to not do it again.

So I get on the bus this afternoon after a non-eventful day at work (thank you former presidents), to find this pair sitting on the bus:

It's kinda creepy cause it's like he knows that I took the picture...I do not appreciate a side eye.  I hope you can take notice of the gal's ears.  That big black thinks is hanging from her stretched earlobes.  Now, I am all for piercings and tattoos, but that just cannot be comfortable and slightly dangerous.  I wonder how many times she hits herself in the face?  Also, I am pretty sure that dread locks are the nastiest things on earth...blech!!  Just as another FYI, that is not a turtleneck, my friends, but a neck tattoo...sure.

After Brangalina got off the bus, a little girl was getting on the bus and was making the bus driver wait as her mom was coming.  I would say that this girl was about 13 and obviously had an iPhone...sure.   She was standing at the entrance of the bus and there was no mother to be found.  The bus driver kept saying that we had to get going and gave the girl 10 more seconds...and counted it down!  So time runs up and instead of getting off the bus and waiting for her mother, she gets on and we go on our merry way.  Now, I found this to be really ballsy...if I had left my mother like that and gotten on a downtown Seattle bus alone, I might still be grounded.  So we continue and the girl calls her mom (the iPhone is so handy).  She keeps saying, "I am on bus 18...18...bus 18"  We stop at the next stop and a woman enters and starts yelling at the girl.  Oh hello long lost mother.  She had gotten on another bus and was yelling at this poor girl cause she thought she was on 18.  I looked and the bus she had gotten on was 3.  Really lady?!  I can give you getting on 15 or 16 thinking it was 18, but 3?!  That's not even the same amount of numbers.  The mother then gets up and moves to sit away from her daughter!!  That is cold Mom...just straight cold.  You made a mistake and blamed your daughter...well played.  As the mom walked toward me, she had Summer teeth and crossed eyes...everything then made sense.

Quick hits

Just thought I would give a bulleted update on my day on public transit.

• my morning bus drivers are forgetting the fact that they are actually driving a bus.  Hello buddy, this is not a mini-cooper nor does it handle like one!  Good Lord
• this woman gets on my bus in the morning and, while she is not the smallest woman, she seems to have full use of her legs.  She walks on the bus, which is pretty fully, screaming, "SEAT....SEAT...SEAT".  Umm lady, you are not over the age of 60 nor are you handicapped and having a fat, lazy ass does not entitle you to a seat!!  It is way to early for your screeching so walk your ass to the back and sit down!  The best part of this broad is she got off the next stop!!  She seriously had the gall to ask people to leave so she could ride the bus for 2 blocks!  UNREAL!!
• On my afternoon bus there was a guy that was on the bus that took up the handicap seat for his friggin' dolly!  I wanted to capture a picture folks, but the seats across from him were occupied as his stupid dolly was taking up 3 seats.  I am not not talking like his dolly that he is using to move something...I am talking about a dolly that is carrying his possessions around and is decorated with war crap.  Buddy, you are taking the city bus...pretty sure you dont need that much crap in a day!!

and thus ends another delightful week

Brain Trust

Well, I know some of you might be a little bummed that I havent been blogging enough and I will apologize for that.  Its been a little crazy here and I promise that things will get back to normal....starting right now!

Warning:  this blog is rated PG-13 due to language and a serious judgey attitude

As I am waiting at my new bus stop (which I am not a fan of) to go home today, I see just a lovely couple walking by (I desperately need a sarcasm font!!!).  I am pretty sure the number of meth sores between the two of them equaled their IQ level as I think they need to share a brain in order to even order coffee (I do not feel bad talking poorly about people with drug problems as they have created their own problems...exit soap box).  I hear the guy say to his woman in slurred speech of course, "...I told him he was a fucking piece of shit!"  Umm, pot?...yeah, hey its kettle.  Pretty sure you shouldnt be throwing stones there buddy as I am willing to bet that you are not nominated for GQ Man of the Year!!

The bus comes and I just cant wait to see what will await me today! (I might need to just pick a font and designate it as sarcasm font)  The bus folk seem oddly normal today which was refreshing.  We are still in the ride free area when two people get on the bus.  This is the conversation that ensues as the gentleman goes to pay:

Bus driver: You dont pay now, you pay later...its the ride free area
Dude: How much is it?
Bus driver: You dont pay now
Dude: How much is it for us to ride?
Bus driver: $2.50 each
Dude: So $5 total?

No Dude...here on bus 18 we do a different kind of math.  You take $2.50 divide by 18 and multiply by the square roof of pi...we are a sophisticated bus.  Yes of course its $5 total genius!!   Unless I missed a memo $2.50 + $2.50 still equals $5.

Ugh, and this is my life

Dislike

I am sure you are reading the title of the blog and thinking "duh", but my creativity is running at a  minimum today so just bear with me.

Well, I started my new route on the bus today and I cannot stand it.  I know I have been spoiled to the fact that it sued to pick me up right outside my office door, and the fact that I have a 7 minute bus ride, but now I have to walk up one of Seattle's infamous hills.  Ugh, this is not fun in the rain or in heels...dislike.  Luckily there will still be some of Seattle's upstanding citizens on this bus route!

So I get on the bus and, of course, there is someone talking on their cell phone.  This gal brings it to a new level of annoyance as she is talking in another language.  I mean, really?!  If you are going to be obnoxious and talk on the phone and break the rules, then I want to at least be able to eavesdrop!!

At the next stop, a guy gets on the bus after first putting his bike on the rack.  Dont even get me started on my thoughts on bikers, but bottom line is, I cannot stand them!!!  So I am seeing that the person is having a difficult time getting the bike on the rack.  Lets go dude, you are holding up the bus and this bus driver is already driving like an 88 year old woman on a cell phone (I work in insurance, I get to say things like that) and I would like to get home at a reasonable hour.  So they finally get the bike on and the guy walks on.  Now, I am not one to judge (I could barely type that with a straight face), but this guy does not look like you average biker.  First of all, he is having the darndest time standing straight.  He is swaying back and forth (2 guesses as to what is causing that) and not looking like he is going to stay vertical.  He also hasnt showered (shocking) and has a pocket protector.  I know that anyone can ride a bike, but seriously, this guy just doesnt look like the next Lance Armstrong.  Plus, I am pretty sure he would get a BUI if caught.  But I am pretty sure that most people downtown could get some sort of alcohol related citation....ugh

Yappity Yap

Well, I got myself on the bus today.  I would have loved to walk as it was a beautiful Seattle day with blue skies and sunshine, however, it was bloody freezing!! Yeah, I said bloody...sometimes I feel like being British!

I get on the bus (it is no surprise that I didnt miss it) and sit down and I gather that it might be a normal day on the bus.  Normal in this case is obviously a relative term.  All of a sudden I hear a man's voice talking.  Super...a dude on his cell phone.  Seriously, I just left work where I was on the phone all day...can I please have some peace and quiet!  Rule breaking is never tolerated, but it was def not appreciated today.  So this guy is yammering on and starts talking about doctor visits and second opinions and jazz...umm, do you realize that this is a public bus and there are tons of people can hear you?!  He then proceeds to ask the question, "so how are you?".  Oh great dude, lets get into a long conversation and talk about feelings on the bus.  He, I might add, is also not talking quietly like you would if you were in the library...he was full blown yelling.  I am sure the guy half passed out in the back could repeat his conversation verbatim.  Ugh, seriously not in the mood.

To top it off, a woman gets on the bus and proceeds to sit RIGHT next to me when there are a million other seats on the bus.  I do not understand why people continuously like to invade my personal space!

BTW...I walked home on 3rd avenue yesterday which will be the route that my new bus will be taking.  Do not fear my friends...I can almost guarantee that there will be some brilliant stories that come out of this street:)