I'm Baaaaaaaaaaccccccckkkkkkk

Well, after a summer hiatus, this girl is back on the bus!!  Mother Nature has made it near impossible for me to walk home, so it is time to brave the gross, smelly, and crazy bus...ugh!!!  Bad for me, but good for all those that enjoy this blog...the sacrifices I make for you all!!! :)

Let me bring all of you up to speed with the bus situation in Seattle.  They have actually gotten rid of the Ride Free Zone!  I got a little concerned on this that a majority of my 'material' would be stuck harassing tourists on the street, but I got onto the bus on Monday (first day back on the bus mind you) and saw this gem:

I am 100% sure that this picture doesnt do her justice so let me see if I can set the stage:

-she has more lipstick around her mouth than on her lips

-blush on one cheek

-there are blue eyeshadow stripes coming down her eyelid on 1 eye

-there are sunglasses haphazardly placed on her head (it was pouring down rain)

Now, the best part of Elizabeth Arden was not just what was all over her mouth, but what was coming out of it.  Now, I am going to give you quotes from her and for the record, I have no idea who she was speaking to, but I have to assume it was to the voices in her head.  She was literally just sitting on the bus barking these words out.  I want to be clear that these are verbatim and in order:

-Why are you a girl? (listen sister, it's not like we had a choice)

-Why are you wearing a bra, you don't have served (some voice in her head just got served!)

-Why are you drinking beer, you're fat (there is a fat chested plus side voice that is getting the smack down!)

-You dont have to act overweight (some voice is going to have an eating disorder)

-You have greens and you have a baby (well, maybe she was preggo and not overweight)

-She was skinnier and imagined she was away (this broad is weight obsessed)

-We want to make Frankenstein (well, it is almost halloween)

-He thinks we are a puppy with blue eyes (I dont even have words)

I think that Elizabeth Arden has reassured me that the dissolution of the Ride Free Zone will not affect the blog! 

Katie

This bascially writes itself

Well folks, just when I think that I am not going to have anymore stories for you, I walk onto my afternoon bus yesterday and find this:

This person (I have no idea if its male or female) is completely passed out on the bus.  Lets also count the number of bags she has surrounding here...I will give you a moment to do that.  This person, their 3 bags, and their copy of what appears to be a National Geographic magazine have taken up an entire bench!  Sure no big deal...please, keep snoozing!

So The bus continues on and this person is not moving.  I think start to worry that maybe, tragically, they have died?!  As awful as that would be, it would only be a matter of time...I mean, I have seen everything else!  I obviously do not want anyone to die...lets just be clear on that!  I was also just morbidly (poss wrong choice of words) curious as to what was hiding under that hair. 

We continue down the street.  People are getting on and off, the bus driver is calling out the stops, and this person is not moving!  People are looking and I am about to say something to the bus driver, when it wakes up!  I swear on everything I own (including my shoes) that this next description is completely true.  It wakes up (at this point I am like 80% sure its a woman) turns and looks at me and she has 1 tooth...total!  Now, I am not talking about your run of the mill you and me tooth.  This thing looked like it came from the stone age...it was huge!  I guess that if you only have one tooth, you go big or go home!  She also started just talking and babbling to herself...I am pretty sure she had no idea where she was!  Ugh, each day is an adventure I guess. 

I did hear that the ride free area might be going away...what will become of my blog??

The exception is now the rule

Well hello everyone!!  So I know I havent blogged in a while, but now that the holidays are over, I promise I am going to try and write more!  As a reward with being patient with me, I have a photo!  This is what I saw when I walked onto the bus this afternoon:

I am not sure if it came out perfectly, but if you look closely, you will see a gentleman that has lifted the seat which is normally used for the handicapped.  Instead of a wheelchair. he has placed a small book case.  That's right folks...this jackass thinks that his rickety old book case is far more important than people!  We all know that this is my pet peeve, but I think that this guy is taking it to a whole new level.  He is not just taking up a seat, he has raised the seat (which is in a sense 2 seats) to store an old book case.  It honestly just boggles my mind.

On a side note, I have decided that Seattle must be manufacturing some sort of perfume...I would call it Eau d'Ashtray.  I swear on everything that this smell is just everywhere and everyone!  I am sure you are all jealous so if you are interested in a bottle for yourself, let me know!  I can ask one of the local degenerates to bottle it for you.  Oh, and I am fully aware that I am a bitch!

Risky Business

Well folks, I am pretty sure I almost got myself into a little bit of trouble yesterday. The irony is that I wasnt even on the bus yet!

If you live in the PNW, you know that yesterday's weather was a total mess.  It was windy and raining as I exited the building for what I figured would be my first afternoon bus ride in almost 2 weeks!  Let me set the stage for you on this.  My bus stop has a covered area over it so naturally everyone was huddled under it.  I walked up and stood toward the very edge of the covering.  There was a normal looking girl approximately 5 feet to my left and what I thought was a normal dude about 8 feet to my right.  I am just standing there minding my own business when I hear, "PLEASE MOVE AWAY FROM ME".  I turn and looked and it was the dude to my right.  Now, I am not standing in this guy's 'bubble' at all so I turned back around and continued waiting for my bus peacefully.  I then hear, "YOU MAM, PLEASE  MOVE AWAY FROM ME". 

At this point, I am completely annoyed.  I start checking this guy out a little further: he looks showered, has a backpack, but is standing in the rain holding a baseball cap to his face, but there are plenty of people around me.  I evaluate my options and the risk and decide to respond back with an emphatic, "No".  Why should I have to move for a guy who is clearly a little 'off'.  If he is uncomfortable with me standing no where near him, he can move!  As I am thinking this, I hear him say to a person walking by, "PLEASE MOVE AWAY FROM ME".  Ok now this is ridiculous, these people are walking by and again, no where near him, and he is yelling at them.  I now conclude that this guy is a whack-a-doo and is warning people cause he know he could snap and I should probably have moved away from him, but I have taken my stance and now I have to continue with it.  Here is how the last 2 minutes played out before my bus arrived:

Whack job: PLEASE MOVE AWAY FROM ME

Katie: No, you move

WJ: :::laughing:::: YOU WONT MOVE AWAY FROM ME

Katie:  I will not

WJ to passing pedestrians:  PLEASE MOVE AWAY FROM ME

The only thing that made me feel better is that I looked to my left and a normal looking dude gave me a look of 'good job, I got your back'. 

As I got on the bus, I could hear him continue to yell at people so needless to say I was already in a mood when I got on.  UGH

I sit down on the bus and at one stop a ton of people get on.  There is a dude that gets on, and I will say, he is normal, but just looks new to riding the bus.  He is standing at the front of the bus asking the driver questions on which route to take.  There is a large, loud woman that is sitting close to this dude.  Quick story on this woman:  she is larger, with a cane cause she is a tippy walker (if you dont know what this is, next time you see me I can demonstrate), and made the bus driver put down the handicapped ramp for her...dont even get me started!

So the dude gets off the bus and all of a sudden this woman just starts going off to the bus driver!  "He should have gotten off at the last stop.  Why didnt he think about that?!"  She is saying this with probably more attitude than even I could have mustered!  The bus driver is saying back to her, "He probably had other things on his mind".  Calm the eff down lady...the guy getting off at what you perceive to be is the wrong stop does not affect your life in any way, shape or form!  The bus would have stopped at that stop anyway! 

The broad does not stop talking about this situation and is annoyed that the bus driver isnt backing her up.  "Well I am sorry, I am just a very direct person.  You should meet my momma, she is more direct than me"  WTF?!?!  Between this lady and WJ, I am beyond annoyed with hearing other people speak so I throw out a "shut up!"  I like to believe she heard me cause she stopped.  Word to the wise lady:  Do not concern yourself with other people on this particular bus route!!

BONUS BUS STORY

On my morning bus rides, the only really annoying thing is that there are people who get on the bus who, from what I can gather, are on there way to the local methadone clinic.  They seem 'normal' enough, but always smell like the tumble dry their clothes with cigarette ashes.  This one couple gets on and she is not in good shape.  It is obvious that she is like 8 hours 'sober' and needs her methadone stat.  Her husband is wearing a Canadian tuxedo and has a cane with no visible need for that cane...again, dont get me started.  At the next stop, another gal gets on who is close to the same state.  In fact, the 2 ladies start talking about how the clinic ran out yesterday.  Shoot. 

As the married lady starts talking, I notice that she is missing her right front tooth and the tooth next to that.  I am not a dentist so have no idea the technical names for those teeth...sorry.  I mean, could you fit into the methodone stereotype anymore?!  ugh.  Toothless Tina starts telling the other lady about what she bought for her grandmother at Macys.  She got her some T-shirts a cardigan, and another item which she describes as a long sleeved thing that is a pullover and was having trouble with the technical name for it.  I am thinking to myself, sounds like a sweater, but hey, what do I know!  The other lady responds back with, "Oh, a bus sweater".  Ummm, excuse me?  WTF is a bus sweater??  I can say with 100% confidence that there is no such thing as a bus sweater.  Toothless Tina replies back with, "Yes, a bus sweater!"

Oh dear Lord

mistaken identity

So I normally do not write a mid-day blog, but this morning's bus ride was just too good to keep you all waiting!

I get on the bus and there is a woman sitting on one of the 3 person benches with her legs up so she is taking up 2 spaces.  This should not be shocking to anyone as I have tried to make it clear that people in Seattle think that they are the most important person on the bus.  I choose to sit next to her and thank god I did! 

Let me just remind all of you how the bus works:  You get on the bus and when you want to get off, you pull a handy dandy cord and it alerts the bus driver that they need to stop at the next stop.  It seems really simple and really obvious to me and most do not have problems with it. 

This broad proceeds to yell to the bus driver, "Let me off at Virginia!".  Mind you that Virginia street was the next stop.  I am so sorry my friend, I did not realize that we were on your charted bus in which you control the bus driver!  Does this look like an effin' taxi?!?!  Can we get you your slippers and a mimosa to go along with this luxurious ride you think you are on?? She doesnt even pull the cord and doesnt even catch herself even though I am completely mean-muggin' her.  Ugh

So as Princess Patty gets off the bus, (let me remind you, I am sitting on a 3 person bench) an older 'gentleman', sits down next to me.  He, of course, smells like he fluffs his clothes with discarded cigarette butts, so I scoot over as far as I can go.  This dude starts mumbling things and looking at me and starts scooting closer to me.  Now, luckily I was getting off at the next stop, but this guy continues to scoot close to me.  Listen buddy, I am sure you have no idea who you are messing with, but please do not make me yell at you.  1. its way too early on a Monday and 2. I do not want to start my week off with a fight! 

He was still mumbling and scooting as I was getting up to exit...creep-o!! 

If this morning's bus ride is any indication of how the afternoon will go, I am in trouble...I hate the bus

It's that time again...

...time for me to horrified by the 'people' that ride the bus!

I know I haven't written in a while and I do apologize for that, but I had to take advantage of the nice weather and do as much walking as possible!  Well folks, you will be happy to know that while I took the summer off from the bus, nothing has changed!

So as I am blogging again, I thought I would start this off with a photo from this morning's bus ride:

That's right folks, not 1 but 2 people making blatant violations of my rules!!  Let me also say, that my morning bus is pretty full so it's just really sweet that these guys find that their belongings are more deserving of a seat that a person!  Umm hello boys, you have a built in storage space...it's called YOUR LAP!!!!  Good-ness

The afternoon bus obviously had its share of interesting characters, but my most frustrating aspect came from the drivers.  Apparently, while I took a hiatus from the bus, they have deemed it appropriate to change drivers.  Now, this may seem like no big deal, but let me see if I can paint a picture for you:

The original driver, the OG if you will, gets off the bus.  The Newbie gets on and then proceeds to sit there for 10 effing minutes playing with things, hitting buttons, and touching shit!  Umm....last time I checked this is a bus and there is a schedule that needs to be kept...there are people waiting for this bus!!  Mind you, crazy cracked out people, but people none the less!!

So after 10 minutes of non-sense, we start to be on our way.  All of a sudden 15 people come out of the wood work to get on the bus.  Again, let me remind you, we sat there for 10 minutes!  They were extremely late for this bus and I feel do not deserve to get on the bus.  Call me cold hearted, but I am a timely person and would never expect a bus to wait for me an interrupt other people's schedules!  I then have to remember that I am in the center of Crazyville and manners are about as rare as showers here!

Wow, a few months away and I am coming out of the gate bitchy!!

I will close with a PSA that I picked up from the 'gentleman' that got on the bus this afternoon:

If, when you walk by, the smell of stale cigarettes lingers in the air for over 5 blocks, its time to put down the cigarettes and start washing your clothes on a regular basis.  Thank you

Classic Bus Day

With all the craziness that is goes on in my life, there is one thing I can rely on...that there will always be whack jobs on the bus.

On my morning bus, there is a new set of riders.  Let me see if I can paint a clear picture for you:

Woman 1:
Never missed a meal
Smokes a pack a day
Dyed her hair blond about 1 year ago (I hope you see what I am getting at)
Is no stranger to Rx drugs and booze

Woman 2:
Is wearing all of her clothes at one time
Is on Rx drugs currently...to the point where her eyes continuously roll back in her head
In a wheelchair

They get on at the same stop ( I am sure you will be surprised to hear that it is in the ride free area) and to have someone get on the bus with a wheelchair takes a while.  My time is precious, but I am more than fine to wait for those who are actually handicapped.  Now, in past blogs, I have discussed the laziness of people in Seattle (fake walkers, fake canes, etc), but this broad takes the freaking cake!  She has the audacity to push her wheelchair onto the bus.  Let me be clear:  the bus driver lowered the wheelchair ramp she pushed her wheelchair on whilst she was standing behind it and then pushed it onto the bus.  UNBELIEVABLE.  I had no words...well, that's a lie...I had a few choice words to say to her, but please refer to my description of her friend, broad 1 had about 200lbs on me.  Plus, she was so doped up she would have had no idea what I was saying.

On my afternoon bus, I get on and see yet another lovely pair.  Well, I smelled the 'gentleman' even before I saw him.  The.Worst.BO.Ever!  And considering all that I have smelled, I am sure you can appreciate how bad it must have been. This guy has never taken a shower a day in his life...not even one.  I am sure his mom just hosed him off a couple of times and called it good.  It just about knocked me back out of the bus.  Lets see if I can do this guy justice:

Coveralls...that I am sure he has never washed
Hair that was shaved up the sides and long and obviously greasy down the center...like a reverse mullet
No stranger to Rx drugs and the perfect combo of uppers and downers
Hands that were encased in sores...here is where I threw up a little in my mouth

I am going to say that the gal he was riding with was his girlfriend, but I am not committed to that idea.  The one impressive thing about her was that she had a glass eye.  Now, I do not know for sure that it was a glass eye, but I am giving her the benefit of the doubt because if that was not a glass, that is one JACKED up eyeball.  ::::shutter:::

It appeared that they were having a conversation, but this is all I heard Stinkpot say, "blemba  mhmpf shurstp humns  whaebi"  There is no way that he was speaking real words!  And he was speaking this way for 3 blocks.  She kept nodding her head and speaking the same gibberish back to him.

How are these people allowed in society?  How does Seattle tolerate this?  Why me?!

On a side note, on my afternoon bus after the darling duo got off, I saw the lovely ladies waiting in front of the local outpatient methadone clinic.  Shocking